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[Dec. 15th, 2009|10:55 pm] |
Been home two days now.
Chicago in the sky looked like this huge quilt made up of a thousand patches of darkness- the streetlights threading them together.
It is amazing how many feelings we all have that we can't voice- the subtle scare of returning where you're supposed to belong.
Don't all these computers make us more lonely? I watch people I'll never meet as if I know them, I interact with most of my closest friends through a screen, and I can't help feeling like I'm getting a little more out of touch with life through all this- I can't remember the last satisfying conversation I had. The one where I wasn't just trying to appease a few people with words to get by. I drown myself in books, movies, coffee, just so I don't have to deal with the decisions I have to make, or I should make- the fact that my life is happening now, and it (sadly) isn't in any of these books, or movies, or cups of coffee.
I come home and I'm a kid all over again. Get strep throat and lie down on the couch, fall asleep for a few hours. Fade back into that space where I'm the youngest- shame, blame, losing what I gained. How do you do it, how do you try to be who you're hoping you are, and god stop judging so hard, stop hitting your head against that wall, how do you turn your back on everything you know, and do what you know you have to, how do you tell the people that love you that you can't come home? |
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